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*The official post your story/explain your life thread.*
So, I'm on a Hip Hop forum, and I've become a pretty heavy poster on there, and I get a lot of props on my Music, and that's where I hooked up with my producer.
Anyways, there's a thread on there called Behind The Music, and basically, it's a thread where people can explain their life story and what eventually pushed them towards Music so seriously, so I read everyone's stories, and a lot of them were extremely deep and sad, and one of them almost brought a tear to my eye, but the point of the thread was to explain yourself and your past and what made you how you are, what made you act how you act, because people judge without knowing people's stories. So, I wrote my own, took me 45 minutes or so, and got me kinda emotional. It's a great thread, and I figured I'd try and start it on here.
I'll post mine if at least one more person participates and goes first, only reason I don't wanna just post mine, is because I don't want this to look like a cry for attention or trying to get sympathy, because it's truly not, but it was a great thread, and I think, especially on this particular forum, that it would help people understand why I am like I am, and not just some angsty teenager. It would also probably work better on here considering how long we've all known eachother and how small this forum is. The Hip Hop forum I posted it on has thousands of members.
Anyways, there's a thread on there called Behind The Music, and basically, it's a thread where people can explain their life story and what eventually pushed them towards Music so seriously, so I read everyone's stories, and a lot of them were extremely deep and sad, and one of them almost brought a tear to my eye, but the point of the thread was to explain yourself and your past and what made you how you are, what made you act how you act, because people judge without knowing people's stories. So, I wrote my own, took me 45 minutes or so, and got me kinda emotional. It's a great thread, and I figured I'd try and start it on here.
I'll post mine if at least one more person participates and goes first, only reason I don't wanna just post mine, is because I don't want this to look like a cry for attention or trying to get sympathy, because it's truly not, but it was a great thread, and I think, especially on this particular forum, that it would help people understand why I am like I am, and not just some angsty teenager. It would also probably work better on here considering how long we've all known eachother and how small this forum is. The Hip Hop forum I posted it on has thousands of members.
Comments
Huh, where to start. I was born in the rougher part of Denver, Colorado. My dad left when I was 2, so it was just my mom and I growing up. She worked hard to keep us in our shitty one bedroom apartment, working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs just to stay afloat. Since money was obviously tight, I didnt get a lot of things as a kid. We ate so much cheap pasta and ramen noodles while I was a kid its sickening to even think about. Material items were moot too. Before the school year started she'd take me down to the thrift store and spend hours trying to find clothes that didnt look totally horrible and embarrassing. But more often than not I left with shitty ripped up jeans and stained and worn mickey mouse sweaters. As far as birthdays and christmas goes, forget it. My mom would scrap up a few bucks and get me a cupcake with a birthday candle sometimes, and at a young age I became very humble and didnt expect much. Even now years later I refuse to celebrate christmas because I went so many years without it.
But the worst part wasnt the lack of food, or money, or the everyday chiIdhood treasures that a lot of you guys probably nostalgia about. It was dealing with the neighborhood kids. Being a white kid in East Denver wasnt easy. I couldnt walk a block out of my house without some group of kids harassing me. Whether they were black, asian, mexican, or anything else really, they all decided to gang up on the white kid. At first, I tried to be the bigger person. I'd ignore them, sing songs to myself as I walked to drown out the threats and insults. But one day, i'd had enough. I was walking past the basketball court, when this tall black kid who lived a few doors down from my apartment called for me. "Hey white boy!" I looked over to see him smiling with that stupid, cocky grin I had grown to hate. Well, I wasnt going to let him win. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."
Once again, please don't take this as a cry for sympathy or anything. I don't want that, but I have enough balls to post this, even though I'm a bit uncomfortable doing so. I'm gonna cut out the first part, 'cause all it was about was how I got into Hip Hop at like 9, got into Metal, Metal bored me after a while, got back into Hip Hop, etc. You all know that already.
Here goes nothing. *Prepares flame shield.*
Anyways, that's my Musical background, now to get into what eventually pushed me so hard and made me who I am now.
I have no Dad, he abandoned me (Part of why I'm an OF fanboy, Tyler's songs about his Dad all hit so hard, and I relate to them so much.) he's an alcoholic, and was very abusive. At 5 or 6, I witnessed him choking my Mom against a wall telling her he was going to kill her. Earlier in my life, I saw him trying to commit suicide, saw him with blood pouring out of his arms, it traumatized me, and it's still so vivid. There were various other situations, including him dragging me across the room by my jacket, which choked me (I was about 5.), him getting trashed, threatening to kill me and my Mom, and chasing us down the street in his truck, which led to me seeing him get brutally beat by our neighbors, who saw what was going on. He always called me a fat piece of shit, which made me become extremely self conscious, I always tried diets at like 6 or 7, would constantly just not eat, etc. And I'm still very low on self esteem to this day. He would constantly tell me I'll never go anywhere and that I was worthless, always called my Mom every name in the book in front of me, did the same to me. I finally stopped living with him at around 8 or 9 I believe, and I never see him anymore. He's sober now, constantly calls me, says he loves me, leaves messages, but I never answer or talk to him, what's done is done, and it will never be forgiven. I can honestly say if he died, I wouldn't give a fuck.
Leading up to now, other stuff has happened that just made me slowly lose faith in everything, I've never kept a friend ever since like 1st grade, I never really did anything, people just constantly fucked me over, stabbed me in the back. At this point, I still have no serious friends (That live by me.), I have people I occasionally talk to, acquaintances, if you will, but no one I ever hang with. My closest friend, Jamie, is someone I met on another forum about 3 years ago, lives in California (I live in Illinois.), it's probably pathetic, but me and him became really close, he's always there for me, acts like a big brother for me, he's my best friend at this point, but it still gets to me that my only legit friend doesn't even live in the same state as me and I've never met him in person. I also have 2 other friends I'm pretty close to, but once again, they're people I've met on the internet who I've yet to meet. Other shit happened last year that just brought me to rock bottom, for 3 years now, I've been almost constantly depressed (Not anymore, I've been decent, just doing my thing with Music and keeping my head up.) so last year, that all changed, when I met the girl who was my first true love, people can say at my age that it was "puppy love" but no, when you're in love, you know it. I would have died for her, no questions asked. We practically lived together, went everywhere together, concerts, amusement parks, zoos, etc. I spent like $200 on her for her birthday, saved up for like 2 months and took her to an expensive dinner, bought her a nice ring, etc. Also lost my v-card to her. We were together six months (Longest relationship I've had.), she left me suddenly, and proceeded to fuck like 5 other dudes within a 3 week span after breaking up with me. That was the deepest depression I've ever felt, and shortly after, my only friend I had here, the one I considered my "best friend" became a complete burnout, and just little by little fucked me over, didn't give a fuck, and eventually stabbed me in the back (Which would take a whole 'nother page to explain.). After that, I felt like I had absolutely nothing, started fiending to get booze any way I could, i was drinking every night, starting to crave it after a while. So I finally stopped, because no fucking way was I gonna end up an alcoholic like my Dad. I was also having suicidal thoughts every night, I was feeling as if I had nothing to live for, everyone I cared about fucked me over, all that shit going down brought back memories of my Dad extremely hard. It also made me feel like a coward, I've always been against suicide, and there I was, thinking about the very thing I was so strongly against. It definitely made me have a change of heart, I sympathize with suicide in a way, I know how truly shitty life can get. Now, I've always been passionate about Music, it's always been my dream, but after constant breakdowns and crying like a bitch, something finally snapped in my head that I need to dedicate my life to Music. It's the only thing that's ever been there for me, through everything, no matter what. It was then that I decided it couldn't be a hobby, or something only for fun because I loved it. I always had serious intentions with Music, but never worked enough. Ever since then, I've been writing constantly, recording, always working, trying to promote myself. I refuse to accept that I might not make it, I will make it, because I have to, to be happy in my life. Nothing else interests me. If you put the work in, it will happen.
As a side note, like someone else said, OF are my heroes/idols, not only for Musical reasons, but because I see in their group of friends, in their little family, everything I've always wanted. I've never gotten love and support like that. I'd love to just roll around with a group of homies just acting like jackasses and having fun in my teen years, but I've never had that. They're another part of what pushed me so hard eventually. Earl being only a year older than me when EARL came out, and the whole group only being 5-9 years older than me and already living their dreams, pushed me so much harder. If they can do it, so can I.
And that's my story, fuck anyone who hates or calls me a bitch.
First part made me sad either way.
Although I grew up on the music my dad liked, such as Stone Temple Pilots, Hootie And The Blowfish, and Genesis, my love for metal began some years after, back in 1998 when I bought SOAD's debut album. That shit got me hooked, although my parents weren't (and still are to be honest) not too fond of it.
Let me get this out of the way: Up until only somewhat recently, I was a complete pushover and tool. Seriously. I got beaten up in school a lot (private school, mind you). You know that picture with the emo kid captioned "I'm gonna go listen to some Linkin Park"? That was me. I loved Linkin Park. Fuck man, I hated the world so much. Years later, after eight people rejected me from going to the school homecoming dance, I found this one girl who was willing to. That gave me a happy, and we dated for about a month and a half. My next actual girlfriend I bent over backwards for (not literally thank god), blowing off hanging with my friends. I also don't like saying it much, but I have two suicide attempts under my belt, one back in 7th grade and one freshman year of high school. Bad times.
Yet through all of this, I have found something that I really really want to get involved with for the rest of my life: music. Music has been there through all my shit times and all my good times. Hopefully I'll be working for Relapse Records, Century Media, Ferret or Metal Blade next summer as an intern. Not only that, but I have an awesome as fuck girlfriend who I care for very VERY much. My life is going very well right now.
I guess the moral of my life so far is this: Life kicks ass after it kicks yours. I have a long distance girlfriend, a job at a retail store, go to the most laughable college in the nation, and every night I eat Chex Mix while watching Futurama and playing Angry Birds until I pass out... yet I'm the happiest fucker I know.
that is all
Even when my family bailed him out of jail, around our three year mark, the first thing he did was look for other people to fuck. I called him every day, and went to every visitation sitting out in the freezing cold and waiting in that god awful line just see him for what, 15 minutes?
I was always the one who paid for everything when we went out (or bought all the alcohol when we didn't because he bored me out of my mind), bought him very nice things for Christmas and his birthday, bought him clothes and other things just for the hell of it or when I noticed he needed it, etc. It was about the four year mark I realized how miserable I was with him. We have nothing in common, and it was because very obvious. It got to the point where all I wanted to do is get wasted because I couldn't stand being around him. Any chores or laundry that we needed to get done, I would do. He would completely trash my bathroom (example, throwing up in the sink and not cleaning it up, how gross is that?) and my room and then groan when I would politely ask him to clean up his messes.
I think I've already said too much. This isn't even half the things that went on in my awful relationship, haha. And yes, before anyone says anything I WAS pathetic and stupid for staying. The point of this reply is just letting you know that sometimes we think we loved someone, but turns out we really didn't. And you could of had worse things happen to you than them fucking other people AFTER you broke up, haha! Besides, half a year isn't a long time. Hell, five years isn't even a long time, imo.
And at least at your high school reunion you can be like "Oh, yeah, I dated her. Oh, she went to college and is this now? Oh that's great!" instead of "Oh... yeah... last time I saw him was in downtown Dallas, cooking a boot over an old barrel."
just a bunch of nerdy white kids bitchin' about their problems