A rant: Its been over a year since I last talked to Ms. McFuck. Sometimes I miss hanging with her, but I refuse to fall back into that whole thing. Its obvious to me now that I put her on an untouchable pedestal, and it wasn't good.
I thought I'd be in a better mental state by now, but Im not. I thought ceasing communication with her, graduating, getting a job in my field, and being back home would ease a lot of the frustration that had been building up these past four years. But it isn't really any better.
I miss performing. I miss writing and recording music. Ableist in Nashville was a godsend. It helped me vent. It helped me create. But now I face the same problem living back in Illinois as I did with The Draconian Crusade while I lived in Nashville. And I've tried to get TDC back together since I've been back too. My drummer has no interest at all. And my bass player has minimal interest. I mean, I get it, they looked at the band as more of a hobby, but I was serious about it. And I still am. I still want to play shows and write new music. Since I've been back I've convinced my bassist to come over and practice once, and we only practiced for about an hour before he wanted to quit, and go play vidyas with his girlfriend (who came with). Again, I understand he looks at it like a hobby, but its frustrating for me. And Im struggling to find other musicians to jam with. One of my coworkers is a drummer who used to be in tech-deathcore band. Im down to jam with him, but we havent jammed. And he's planning on leaving to go to the police academy soon, so who knows if he'd be able to play long-term. And I've had one other person approach me about jamming, but he cancelled at the last minute. And Im not confident enough in my own abilities to try and join someone else's band. I want to be a part of it from the ground up.
Its not like I'm not hanging out with the TDC guys though. We hang out at least once a week still. My bassist has a girlfriend, she's part of the group now too since they're dating. And my drummer and I run Under The Bun which is a work in progress. And I'm happy with UTB. So its not like I'm mad at the guys. I just need a band.
Similarly I feel frustrated with my job and my prospects as a producer and recording engineer. Im working at a music studio. It should be easy for me to find artists to work with. Yet I havent worked with anyone. I've had three possible assisting sessions cancel on me, and a live tech gig cancel on me. I know its going to be a slow process. I know I've only been out of school for a few months. But the longer it takes for me to start working in my desired field, the harder its going to be for me to get in there. There's only so much time that can pass before saying "Im a recent college grad" stops being relevant. Its another thing that I dont really know how to do. Get clients and get my name out there. My manager who is also a sound engineer says it takes upwards of seven years to start having steady clients. Thats a long time to be living off of working part time at a front desk for $13 an hour.
And that brings me back to my manager. He's been doing this for like 6 years. Working on the side on recording gigs and live sound gigs. He just went on tour with Wolfmother, which was basically the job of his dreams. They offered to take him to Europe to be their tour manager and sound guy, and he refused because he as a wife and kid. He turned down his dream job. Which solidifies to me that its a good thing that I dont have a girlfriend right now, because the industry Im trying to break into isn't very conductive of a relationship. Especially, at least, at the start of entrance.
Despite that my fear of girls and relationships is growing, I still kinda want a relationship. But like with everything else in my life, I dont even know where to start. I'm literally the only person I know who didn't even go on a single date through all of college. Didnt even go to one party and talk to a girl. All of the female friends I made in college were already in relationships. And there is no one at work. The two women I work with are either married or too old for me. I dont hang out with girls, at all, period. I dont even talk to any anymore. 0. Dont know where to meet them. Dont know where is appropriate anymore. And if I did I dont know how to talk to them in a way that facilitates a romantic relationship stemming from the encounter. Its another failure. Like performing in a band. I have plans to go to Six Flags with my friends/the two dudes from TDC in a few weeks, but Im kind of dreading it because my bassist is bringing his girlfriend, and my drummer got a girl from work that he's interested in to agree to go with him, and its gonna suck being a fifth wheel.
I'm at a loss in my life. I just feel like everyday is the same monotonous shit, and I dont know how to break out of it. I dont know how to find people to start a band with right now. I dont know how to get clients to record or produce for. I dont know how to meet or talk to women. And when I try, it fails. And Im getting sick of it. Im just depressed and tired all the time. At least my Youtube channel is still a thing for now.
Just don't give up. Seriously just be on that. The band I was in for three years, that went through like 12 members broke up a few months back. Imagine grinding for three years, going through so much member b s., finally finding a group of solid dedicated people who took it seriously, getting offered a gig in front of two hundred people and a funded fucking demo only to have it blow up because drummer knocked up his chick and she became first priority and guitarist got lazy. It sucks dude. We went through two and a half years of shit just to finally peice it together all so it could fall apart again. But that's what life is. You have to power through it. Me and the vocalist from that band have found a new guitarist and a new drummer who are very dedicated and we finally set up a practice spot and are in talks with a bassist. It's all about keeping the forward momentum. Did we get super close just to get fucked over? Yeah. But music is really important to me and it sounds really important to you. Keep going with that. You were more positive than I've ever seen you when you did the Ableist stuff. Maybe it's just not meant to be. You're taking steps in your work so dont worry about that. I feel you on the women issue. I suffer from the same shit but it will all happen in due time. Just stay focused and stay determined.
My friend is crushing on like three chicks right now, and was asked out by a fourth that he turned down. He's never had a girlfriend before or even been on a date before, and he's even more shy around women than I am.
I keep telling him to just go for it because it will get exponentially harder after he graduates to even meet women, let alone women that seem interested in him. He doesn't believe me that it gets harder after graduating.
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I keep telling him to just go for it because it will get exponentially harder after he graduates to even meet women, let alone women that seem interested in him. He doesn't believe me that it gets harder after graduating.
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From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
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blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)