" i bought coconut lime body lotion....said it would be like an instant island get away...fucking liars...all i smell like is key lime pie" - my friends mom
"Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust."
For some reason the topic of blowjobs came up while riding in the car lastnight.
Me: I'll show you later just to prove you Im always right. Wife: Sorry buddy I dont think I can, I feel a sudden tooth ache coming on.. Me: Who the hell said you were going to be using your teeth? Wife: (lol) I have a headache too, asshole!
The day you need a gun and don't have one, may be your last.
I work with this chick, she's pretty gay. Got the short haircut but you can tell she's a girl. And her nametag says Liz. Then there's this old guy, Bob...who is Bob
Bob: Someday you'll make a woman really happy Liz: Um...I think I already am ....*awkward walk away* Another kid I work with: You know Liz is a girl, right? Bob: No that's a boy Kid: She's a girl...Her name is Liz Bob: Oh
sometime later to Liz Bob: You're a cute young lady
Lol he shoots faster and more acuratly than anyone in detroit and carries a a bigger knife too.. if he was dead thered probably be a dozen dead people around him
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To which I replied; "don't shave, Many great men in history have had beards: Gimli the dwarf, Gandalf..."
much laughter was had....
*looks to my right*
Me: Did that girl just flash her ass?
Friend: Yep
Me: ...
Friend: ...
Friend: *nods*
somebody's comment to someone else on Obama's new family photo that was posted on his Facebook page
Brad- "2%?"
niggerthe n word, probably a half dozen to a dozen times a day..Me: I'll show you later just to prove you Im always right.
Wife: Sorry buddy I dont think I can, I feel a sudden tooth ache coming on..
Me: Who the hell said you were going to be using your teeth?
Wife: (lol) I have a headache too, asshole!
Bob: Someday you'll make a woman really happy
Liz: Um...I think I already am
....*awkward walk away*
Another kid I work with: You know Liz is a girl, right?
Bob: No that's a boy
Kid: She's a girl...Her name is Liz
Bob: Oh
sometime later to Liz
Bob: You're a cute young lady
\m/