Got sent to a triple max slam where they told me I'd never see the light of day again. Found a doctor there, and paid him two thousand menthol Cools to do a shine job on my eyes. Escaped and spent some time on the run as an fugitive, tracked by intergalactic bounty hunters. Got caught by one, a man named Johns, but they crashed the ship during transportation to a prison planet. I escaped again, and waited to find a way off planet. Long story short we got there just in time for a lunar eclipse of all three fucking suns at the same time. When night set it, aliens predators emerged from beneath the surface of the world. Out of necessity, I befriended the few survivors and we found a way of world. Only three of us left, Me, a holy man, and a girl who pretended to be a boy... Kira. They dropped me on an isolated planet, a frozen world, away from anyone, safe... for a time. A bounty hunter crew led by a Merc named Toombs showed up. I stole one of there ships and headed off planet, to seek out the one man who knew where I was, the Holy man in New Mecca. When I arrived there I discovered that the universe was coming to an end, and a race of zealous bastards called Necromongers were doing the ending. Mattered little to me, I got the information I needed and was taking my leave when they raided the planet. I tried to save the holy man but I was only able to save his wife and child. Toombs found me again, and this time I let him take me. He gave me a free ride exactly where I wanted to go. Anyways, so I meet up with Kira in prison and the Necromongers come after me. Kira escapes but I get captured in the fight. Kira tries to save me but get turned to their side, it seems, but during my fight with their leader she stabs him and saves me, dying in the process but allowing me to deliver the killing blow. I topple their empire and as is their custom is makes me the new leader. Years into my rule, they try to assassinate me as I will not convert, and this creates controversy among my people. I kill the would be assassins, all but one, in a sudden trick of fate, he catches me in a landslide and leaves me to die on the planet. But alas, I'm harder to kill than that. I found a beacon that signals two merc ships. They both vie to capture me, but before I get captured I kill off enough of each crew for them to need to join forces. And it's then I find out that one of the men is the Father of Johns, the Merc I killed on that planet all those years ago. Funny how life seems to go in a circle. Anyways more freak fucking aliens appear, that's just the way things happen now, I'm used to it. They kill every except for me and Boss Johns. Finding a ship we plan to help each other and escape, but I get injured. Johns abandons me to save himself. But I bandage my wounds and get ready to keep moving, I won't simply lay down and die after coming this far. I fight through seemingly endless waves of aliens but to no avail. Just when I am about to be overtaken Johns shows up, saving me and delivering me to another ship. We leave the planet. In orbit he stops me and asks where I'm going, but decides he'd rather not know. Seems he's a better man than his son. We part ways and that's how I ended up back here, telling you this story now.
Got sent to a triple max slam where they told me I'd never see the light of day again. Found a doctor there, and paid him two thousand menthol Cools to do a shine job on my eyes. Escaped and spent some time on the run as an fugitive, tracked by intergalactic bounty hunters. Got caught by one, a man named Johns, but they crashed the ship during transportation to a prison planet. I escaped again, and waited to find a way off planet. Long story short we got there just in time for a lunar eclipse of all three fucking suns at the same time. When night set it, aliens predators emerged from beneath the surface of the world. Out of necessity, I befriended the few survivors and we found a way of world. Only three of us left, Me, a holy man, and a girl who pretended to be a boy... Kira. They dropped me on an isolated planet, a frozen world, away from anyone, safe... for a time. A bounty hunter crew led by a Merc named Toombs showed up. I stole one of there ships and headed off planet, to seek out the one man who knew where I was, the Holy man in New Mecca. When I arrived there I discovered that the universe was coming to an end, and a race of zealous bastards called Necromongers were doing the ending. Mattered little to me, I got the information I needed and was taking my leave when they raided the planet. I tried to save the holy man but I was only able to save his wife and child. Toombs found me again, and this time I let him take me. He gave me a free ride exactly where I wanted to go. Anyways, so I meet up with Kira in prison and the Necromongers come after me. Kira escapes but I get captured in the fight. Kira tries to save me but get turned to their side, it seems, but during my fight with their leader she stabs him and saves me, dying in the process but allowing me to deliver the killing blow. I topple their empire and as is their custom is makes me the new leader. Years into my rule, they try to assassinate me as I will not convert, and this creates controversy among my people. I kill the would be assassins, all but one, in a sudden trick of fate, he catches me in a landslide and leaves me to die on the planet. But alas, I'm harder to kill than that. I found a beacon that signals two merc ships. They both vie to capture me, but before I get captured I kill off enough of each crew for them to need to join forces. And it's then I find out that one of the men is the Father of Johns, the Merc I killed on that planet all those years ago. Funny how life seems to go in a circle. Anyways more freak fucking aliens appear, that's just the way things happen now, I'm used to it. They kill every except for me and Boss Johns. Finding a ship we plan to help each other and escape, but I get injured. Johns abandons me to save himself. But I bandage my wounds and get ready to keep moving, I won't simply lay down and die after coming this far. I fight through seemingly endless waves of aliens but to no avail. Just when I am about to be overtaken Johns shows up, saving me and delivering me to another ship. We leave the planet. In orbit he stops me and asks where I'm going, but decides he'd rather not know. Seems he's a better man than his son. We part ways and that's how I ended up back here, telling you this story now.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little shit? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Ive been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Im the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youre fucking dead, kiddo.
And there I am in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at three o' clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&M's to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door and mentions there's a little sweetshop on the edge of town. So, we go, and - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby breaking into this little sweetshop right? Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. Well I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son, that's a different story altogether... I had to beat them to death with their own shoes... Nasty business really... But sure enough, I got the M&M's and Ozzy went on stage and did a GREAT show.
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