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Cormorant revealed as fourth Mega Millions winners, announce purchase of Roadrunner Records
San Francisco Bay Area metal band Cormorant has announced that they are the fourth winners of Friday's Mega Millions jackpot. The group, consisting of guitarists Nick Cohon and Matt Solis, drummer Brennan Kunkel, and vocalist/bassist Arthur von Nagel, revealed that they purchased the winning lottery ticket at a 7-11 near their San Rafael rehearsal studio as a joke. Now executives at Roadrunner Records aren't laughing, as the world's most famous Tiberian Ass-Bastard Folk metal band bought out the Warner Music Group subsidiary and promptly sacked everyone involved in the signing of Nickelback, Atreyu, and Lenny Kravitz. New label president Solis commented "We're not heartless: those involved in the recent Rush signing were promoted."
As his first move, new A&R director von Nagel has confirmed the signing of legendary Czech proto-black metallers Master's Hammer to a six-album deal. Noted von Nagel "After 25 years of brilliance, Master's Hammer have proven that they are more than ready for the mainstream. I've already booked them as guest judges on American Idol, and they're slated for a headlining stadium tour of the US with KISS as their main support." Arthur also stated interest in reissuing the entire catalogue of Swedish dark lords Bathory on Betamax, minus the Octagon album. "CD is f___ing dead as... dead. Betamax, it's coming back in a big f___ing way" Matt Solis added.
Guitarist Nick Cohon has opted to take over their music production division, and has already begun coaching bands in the finer points of American traditional music. "I feel like the Satyricon guys have really taken to Neil Young and Bill Monroe. You can expect some ample mandolin on their next album." Also benefiting from Nick's guidance are Roadrunner stars Dream Theater and Dragonforce. "I've been having them listen to a lot of Darkthrone and Burzum," said Nick. "It's about time fans met the frost-bitten side of John Petrucci." Matt Solis also insisted that Dragonforce be force-fed Church of Misery albums, claiming that the next record will "make Sunn O))) sound like Rhapsody."
Licensing director Brennan Kunkel has announced a new line of green reggae-inspired Nightwish shirt designs. "Tuomas Holopainen has recently embraced rasta culture." said Brennan. "I expect the people of Finland will follow suit." Indeed, reports from Helsinki state that president Sauli Niinisto was spotted wearing dreadlocks and there are whispers in parliament of an African repatriation movement in Finland. Brennan also announced that Gojira have signed on to the theme song to Sony Picture's upcoming Godzilla reboot, performing a cover of Puff Daddy's cover of Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song.
At the urging of Roadrunner president Matt Solis, Opeth's Mikael Akerfeldt released a 2-second long song of his recent pornogrind split with the surviving members of AxCx. The album, entitled "Being Dead Is Gay (Until You Dig Up Marilyn Monroe)" will feature guest vomits from Dream Theater's James LaBrie. Akerfeldt has renounced his love of complex prog music, instead embracing the fine art of hitting rocks on other rocks, and sampling Yoko Ono performances.
As to future Cormorant albums on the horizon, the band released a joint statement announcing that Cormorant has recently partnered with Capcom and Electronic Arts on a three-part epic. "We'll record three full-length albums, and then remove 20 minutes of each and resell the songs to our fans as DLC. Each of the albums with also have a companion Ultra Tournament Edition released six-months later with slight tweaks to the mxing and additional DLC guest vocals from your Capcom franchise favorites, minus Mega Man of course. Don't forget to buy a footlong sandwich combo at Subway to unlock additional commentary tracks from Arthur's guinea pig." Expect the album to be available on EA's Origin service, complete with spyware. Attempting to illegally let your friends hear the new Cormorant album while in your home will cause your computer to explode. As to potential fan reaction to what could be perceived as exploitative business practices, von Nagel simply stated: "F___ our fans."
More as the story develops.
As his first move, new A&R director von Nagel has confirmed the signing of legendary Czech proto-black metallers Master's Hammer to a six-album deal. Noted von Nagel "After 25 years of brilliance, Master's Hammer have proven that they are more than ready for the mainstream. I've already booked them as guest judges on American Idol, and they're slated for a headlining stadium tour of the US with KISS as their main support." Arthur also stated interest in reissuing the entire catalogue of Swedish dark lords Bathory on Betamax, minus the Octagon album. "CD is f___ing dead as... dead. Betamax, it's coming back in a big f___ing way" Matt Solis added.
Guitarist Nick Cohon has opted to take over their music production division, and has already begun coaching bands in the finer points of American traditional music. "I feel like the Satyricon guys have really taken to Neil Young and Bill Monroe. You can expect some ample mandolin on their next album." Also benefiting from Nick's guidance are Roadrunner stars Dream Theater and Dragonforce. "I've been having them listen to a lot of Darkthrone and Burzum," said Nick. "It's about time fans met the frost-bitten side of John Petrucci." Matt Solis also insisted that Dragonforce be force-fed Church of Misery albums, claiming that the next record will "make Sunn O))) sound like Rhapsody."
Licensing director Brennan Kunkel has announced a new line of green reggae-inspired Nightwish shirt designs. "Tuomas Holopainen has recently embraced rasta culture." said Brennan. "I expect the people of Finland will follow suit." Indeed, reports from Helsinki state that president Sauli Niinisto was spotted wearing dreadlocks and there are whispers in parliament of an African repatriation movement in Finland. Brennan also announced that Gojira have signed on to the theme song to Sony Picture's upcoming Godzilla reboot, performing a cover of Puff Daddy's cover of Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song.
At the urging of Roadrunner president Matt Solis, Opeth's Mikael Akerfeldt released a 2-second long song of his recent pornogrind split with the surviving members of AxCx. The album, entitled "Being Dead Is Gay (Until You Dig Up Marilyn Monroe)" will feature guest vomits from Dream Theater's James LaBrie. Akerfeldt has renounced his love of complex prog music, instead embracing the fine art of hitting rocks on other rocks, and sampling Yoko Ono performances.
As to future Cormorant albums on the horizon, the band released a joint statement announcing that Cormorant has recently partnered with Capcom and Electronic Arts on a three-part epic. "We'll record three full-length albums, and then remove 20 minutes of each and resell the songs to our fans as DLC. Each of the albums with also have a companion Ultra Tournament Edition released six-months later with slight tweaks to the mxing and additional DLC guest vocals from your Capcom franchise favorites, minus Mega Man of course. Don't forget to buy a footlong sandwich combo at Subway to unlock additional commentary tracks from Arthur's guinea pig." Expect the album to be available on EA's Origin service, complete with spyware. Attempting to illegally let your friends hear the new Cormorant album while in your home will cause your computer to explode. As to potential fan reaction to what could be perceived as exploitative business practices, von Nagel simply stated: "F___ our fans."
More as the story develops.
Comments
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
[-(
blue turbins
From Those Fishes - I Fingered An Old Bitch (i got Aids on my finger)
i was just making fun of when Wake thought it was a polar bear
I can't believe there was even an argument about it.