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Final Six: The Six Most Metal Serial Killers/Cereal Characters
SkullAndCrossbones
Posts: 16,452 destroyer of motherfuckers
Chris “Sugar Bear” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
Dig ‘Em’s frog arm was caught in a sling, so he needed help loading his armchair into his windowless van. When we were finished, he asked if I could come down the road with him, help him load it out. I was in the front seat for maybe five seconds before he slapped the handcuffs on me. I asked what was happening, where we were going, and he said, in that low, ribbity voice, “You ain’t going anywhere.” He took off his hat and ran his webbed hand over his smooth green head, sighed real loud, and then pulled a 12-inch Buck knife out from under his seat. “We’re gon’ have some fun,” he whispered.
As Tom Araya says when asked how the frontman of Slayer can be a Christian: We may never agree on what’s right, but we all know when something is wrong. And if your human machine is working, you know what’s wrong about serial killers. These men (and occasionally women), driven mad with the compulsion to kill, are the human beings who life failed big time, their misguided lust and frustration leading to acts of indescribable violence. Coming in at a close second in utter wrongness, though, are breakfast cereal mascots. Just one look in the hollow eyes of those corporate mishaps lets you understand the true face of honey-bunched madness. So to pit these two schools of unspeakable monsters against each other, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Serial Killers and Cereal Characters.
The Six Most Metal Serial Killers:
1) Andrei Chikatilo - Most people have never heard of the Ripper of Rostov, mainly because his existence was denied by the Russian government for years, serial killers being a result of capitalism’s decadence. Anyway, this dude stab-fucked runaways in the woods and ate parts of their junk, and had a body count in the 50s. We may have won the Space Race, but the Commies beat us in the Peel Off Your Face Race.
2) Ted Bundy - What makes Ted Bundy metal is what a fucking yuppie he was. Sure, it’s unmetal to be a yuppie if you’re just a douchebag, but if that polished veneer hides a brutal sexual sadist, then yeah, I think that counts. Plus: van murder. Keeping it real.
3) H.H. Holmes - At the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago, this diabolical con man built a hotel that swallowed between 27 and 250 weary souls via secret passageways, trap doors, lime pits, and gas lines. Then he’d pawn their goods, strip their skeletons, and sell ‘em to hospitals. Dude was all about the paper.
4) John Wayne Gacy - Look, Gacy’s the most predictable serial killer type—fat, corn-fed American guy whose closeted homosexuality came out in brutal homoerotic assaults. But shit, man, he was the clown, the original Evil Clown, and his body count was up there—33, wasn’t it? Can’t deny JWG.
5) Carl Panzram - Never heard of him? Oh man. Panzram put the “brute” in “brutality,” with a trail of 20-something dead bodies and over a thousand acts of forced sodomy in his wake. This dude was no creeper in the shadows, he was a full-on beast. Woe be to poor souls and buttholes near Carl Panzram.
6) Ed Gein - So Ed only killed three people—not impressive, I know. But it’s his legacy of exhumation, necrophilia, and ghoulish hoarding that makes him so damn metal. Dude dances with the dead in his dreams. No frontin’.
The Six Most Metal Cereal Characters:
1) Count Chocula - First off, he’s a motherfucking vampire. Second, he’s had to endure an un-life with only one fang. Third, his cereal is almost repulsively delicious and addictive. He’s an undead pusher made of fucking chocolate. Accept no substitutes.
2) Lucky the Leprechaun - It’s a well-known fact that leprechauns are drunk all day, every day, and Lucky is no different, swilling pint after pint of lager as he stumbles away from children waiting for him to pass out and relinquish his precious cereal. His original marshmallow ideas were yellow beers, green bottles, brown vomit puddles, and black and blue wives.
3) Sugar Bear - He can’t get enough of the Sugar Crisp. You know why? Look at his eyes. This bear is high as shit. He realized midway through burning one and listening to Sleep’s Holy Mountain that he was supposed to be on a box somewhere and came running in chewing gum he bought at the subway station.
4) Cap’N Crunch - Day six aboard the HMS Crunch. The rest of the crew and I have begun to grow wary. The Captain—he will not let us pronounce the “T”—has gone mad. He waves his sword errantly, speaks day in, day out, of an isle of peanut butter we will soon reach. Tempers wear thin, madness creeps upon us.
5) Crazy Craving (a.k.a. Me Want Honeycomb) - We all know that deep inside every one of us is a sneaker-clad puffball with a wolf’s face, zipping around with infernal hunger. What that Craving is for, we can only guess. (I mean, we all know yours is cocaine, you’re not doing a good job hiding it, man, we saw you at the club last week with that nosebleed.)
6) Mikey - That motherfucker doesn’t like anything. He’s so necro.
http://www.revolvermag.com/blogs/final-six-the-six-most-metal-serial-killerscereal-characters.html
Dig ‘Em’s frog arm was caught in a sling, so he needed help loading his armchair into his windowless van. When we were finished, he asked if I could come down the road with him, help him load it out. I was in the front seat for maybe five seconds before he slapped the handcuffs on me. I asked what was happening, where we were going, and he said, in that low, ribbity voice, “You ain’t going anywhere.” He took off his hat and ran his webbed hand over his smooth green head, sighed real loud, and then pulled a 12-inch Buck knife out from under his seat. “We’re gon’ have some fun,” he whispered.
As Tom Araya says when asked how the frontman of Slayer can be a Christian: We may never agree on what’s right, but we all know when something is wrong. And if your human machine is working, you know what’s wrong about serial killers. These men (and occasionally women), driven mad with the compulsion to kill, are the human beings who life failed big time, their misguided lust and frustration leading to acts of indescribable violence. Coming in at a close second in utter wrongness, though, are breakfast cereal mascots. Just one look in the hollow eyes of those corporate mishaps lets you understand the true face of honey-bunched madness. So to pit these two schools of unspeakable monsters against each other, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Serial Killers and Cereal Characters.
The Six Most Metal Serial Killers:
1) Andrei Chikatilo - Most people have never heard of the Ripper of Rostov, mainly because his existence was denied by the Russian government for years, serial killers being a result of capitalism’s decadence. Anyway, this dude stab-fucked runaways in the woods and ate parts of their junk, and had a body count in the 50s. We may have won the Space Race, but the Commies beat us in the Peel Off Your Face Race.
2) Ted Bundy - What makes Ted Bundy metal is what a fucking yuppie he was. Sure, it’s unmetal to be a yuppie if you’re just a douchebag, but if that polished veneer hides a brutal sexual sadist, then yeah, I think that counts. Plus: van murder. Keeping it real.
3) H.H. Holmes - At the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago, this diabolical con man built a hotel that swallowed between 27 and 250 weary souls via secret passageways, trap doors, lime pits, and gas lines. Then he’d pawn their goods, strip their skeletons, and sell ‘em to hospitals. Dude was all about the paper.
4) John Wayne Gacy - Look, Gacy’s the most predictable serial killer type—fat, corn-fed American guy whose closeted homosexuality came out in brutal homoerotic assaults. But shit, man, he was the clown, the original Evil Clown, and his body count was up there—33, wasn’t it? Can’t deny JWG.
5) Carl Panzram - Never heard of him? Oh man. Panzram put the “brute” in “brutality,” with a trail of 20-something dead bodies and over a thousand acts of forced sodomy in his wake. This dude was no creeper in the shadows, he was a full-on beast. Woe be to poor souls and buttholes near Carl Panzram.
6) Ed Gein - So Ed only killed three people—not impressive, I know. But it’s his legacy of exhumation, necrophilia, and ghoulish hoarding that makes him so damn metal. Dude dances with the dead in his dreams. No frontin’.
The Six Most Metal Cereal Characters:
1) Count Chocula - First off, he’s a motherfucking vampire. Second, he’s had to endure an un-life with only one fang. Third, his cereal is almost repulsively delicious and addictive. He’s an undead pusher made of fucking chocolate. Accept no substitutes.
2) Lucky the Leprechaun - It’s a well-known fact that leprechauns are drunk all day, every day, and Lucky is no different, swilling pint after pint of lager as he stumbles away from children waiting for him to pass out and relinquish his precious cereal. His original marshmallow ideas were yellow beers, green bottles, brown vomit puddles, and black and blue wives.
3) Sugar Bear - He can’t get enough of the Sugar Crisp. You know why? Look at his eyes. This bear is high as shit. He realized midway through burning one and listening to Sleep’s Holy Mountain that he was supposed to be on a box somewhere and came running in chewing gum he bought at the subway station.
4) Cap’N Crunch - Day six aboard the HMS Crunch. The rest of the crew and I have begun to grow wary. The Captain—he will not let us pronounce the “T”—has gone mad. He waves his sword errantly, speaks day in, day out, of an isle of peanut butter we will soon reach. Tempers wear thin, madness creeps upon us.
5) Crazy Craving (a.k.a. Me Want Honeycomb) - We all know that deep inside every one of us is a sneaker-clad puffball with a wolf’s face, zipping around with infernal hunger. What that Craving is for, we can only guess. (I mean, we all know yours is cocaine, you’re not doing a good job hiding it, man, we saw you at the club last week with that nosebleed.)
6) Mikey - That motherfucker doesn’t like anything. He’s so necro.
http://www.revolvermag.com/blogs/final-six-the-six-most-metal-serial-killerscereal-characters.html
"That's another thing I love about metal, it's so fuckin' huge yet certain people don't even know it exists." - Rob Zombie
Comments
He took a drill to some chick's head and then poured acid into it because he wanted to create a zombie sex slave. Dude was nucking futs.
Either way, CREEPY.
See the honeycomb reference. Think, how the hell do bees make honeycombs. Read about bees on wikipedia. Look up video on honeycomb. See a video about a guy and his pet wasp. Think "Who the hell keeps a pet wasp" google it, turns out quite a few people. Look up what the largest wasp is. End up on wikipedia again reading about a giant asian wasp.
On the real though, this shit got me reading about serial killers today on my way to get my tattoo done, and it just seriously got me thinking what kind of mentalities and brains these dudes truly have... Shit's fucked up.
Chikatilo was a sick fuck.
Overpowering his victims, he would bind them with rope, then-in an ecstatic frenzy-savage them with knife, teeth, and bare hands, ripping open their bellies, chewing off their noses, gouging out their eyes, slicing off and eating their tongues, nipples, genitals-sometimes while they were still alive. He wallowed in their internal organs and would later confess to having a particular fondness for the taste and texture of the uterus.
You know, you always think about what goes on these guy's minds. I always wonder about what went through the minds of the people they killed. And the people who found the victims and the houses with all the corpses in it.